A Few More Rules

I've been working on this little project of mine for a while now and, much to my surprise, it seems to be working. There haven't been any major changes, he hasn't stepped back into the role of HOH or even suggested that he might. We haven't had that all important conversation but...

There have been little things, subtle things, tiny changes in his behaviour that make me think we are heading in the right direction.

I started simply with just a few rules and, if I say so myself, I've been pretty good at sticking to them.

No swearing. Check.

Stop wearing jeans every day. Check.

Stop being a slob and pay attention to my appearance. Check.

Keep our home clean and tidy. Check.


The first one was actually pretty easy. I know my language had deteriorated but to be honest it wasn't too bad. Mostly, I thought things rather than said them so it was just a matter of biting my tongue before those thoughts became mutterings. So far so good.

Not wearing jeans was a little harder, I'd become very lazy about my wardrobe. It's so easy to just throw on jeans and a tee-shirt and that bit of extra weight I'm carrying these days meant all the pretty clothes I have don't fit so well. But a good look through my wardrobe and a few small alterations went a long way. And I'd forgotten just how nice it is to feel a long skirt swishing around my legs.

Paying more attention to my hair and make up kind of went hand in hand with the last one. There's nothing like wearing something feminine to make one want to make the effort with everything else. That, and hearing him say how nice I looked for the first time since I can't remember when.

Once I'd got the hang of looking after myself again it was a simple step to care for our home more too. All of a sudden I wanted the kitchen to shine and the laundry be done.

I've had some lovely compliments from him just lately, about the house and about the way I look, and that makes me smile. A lot.

What better inspiration could there be for adding a few more rules?

Soooooo....

Rule number 5

Be more organised. I can be a little ditzy. OK, more than a little. Things get done, but often not until the last minute, which makes me stressed which makes me cranky. I'm going to keep the calender up to date, pay bills on time, return library books before their due date, drop repeat prescriptions into the doctors early enough that we don't run out of our meds.

Rule number 6

Prepare meals in advance. This isn't something that would probably have occurred to me but it's something he's mentioned quite a bit over the last couple of months. And as it's so unusual these days for him to actually ask me to do something it's important I include it. We always used to be fairly relaxed about meals. Our work schedules were chaotic as we both worked shifts so meal times were a last minute affair, fitted in whenever we could. Later as his health deteriorated he often didn't feel like eating, or simply couldn't face certain types of food. I've gotten into the habit of suddenly realising it's getting late and saying 'what do you fancy?' Apparently he doesn't like this. Increasingly over the last few months he's said 'just do something, anything, I don't mind', or 'don't keep asking', or, most recently, 'the cooking's your job. You decide.' YAY! You have no idea how wonderful it was to hear him say something was my job. I've never had to think about menu planning before. This might take a while to get the hang of.

Rule number 7

Limit computer time. He's never come right out and said that he doesn't like that I spend so much time on line but there have been the occasional comments, all said in a 'jokey' manner, that make me think it bothers him. This will probably be the hardest rule to stick to of all. I'm actually very shy and I don't make friends easily. We relocated two years ago but I still don't have any friends locally and because I don't go out to work I can sometimes feel like a bit of a recluse. Talking to on-line friends keeps me sane! I'm reluctant to cut down but this isn't meant to be easy. So, for starters, I'm going to limit my computer time to before he's up (he's a night owl who works in his studio until late so that gives me quite a bit of time if I'm up early enough ;) ) or to when he's also using his lap top or painting. Provided my chores are done first.
If I'm being honest here, that probably won't limit me too much, just as long as I get organised.

Hmmm, these are all linked have you noticed? Organisation seems to be the theme here.

It's time to get my ditzy head on straight.

Setting The Rules -part two

I have struggled long and hard with this issue of making rules. I know it is what I need. I know I will feel better for it, but it really has been difficult to sort it out on my own. It didn't feel right doing it without my husband's input, but any attempt to broach the subject hit the usual brick wall.

I've taken my time about it, partly because I want to get it right, but also because I'm a tiny bit scared. I've had my own way for quite some time now and its hard to give that up, even for someone like me who really doesn't like being in charge. It's easy, it takes no effort, and I have gotten very lazy.

If we had been doing this together, it would have been so much easier. There may have been discussion over some things, we may have hammered out the finer points, but ultimately the final say would have been his. That was what I agreed to right at the very start of our relationship. He would always listen, would maybe even go along with what I wanted, but if there was any disagreement then the final say on the matter was his and his alone. That has saved us from so many arguments over the years! Without that backstop, without my rock, I've been flailing about wildly, just adding to my confusion.

Once I'd come to the conclusion that I didn't have to tackle everything at once, it became a little easier.

I took some time to think about the things he always liked about me, the things that made him proud of me, and took a long hard look at myself to see if they still apply.

BOY, WAS THAT PAINFUL!!!

Oh dear! He must be wondering what the hell happened to his wife. I'm wondering what the hell happened to his wife! 

It is very hard to look in the mirror and discover that the woman staring back at you is not who you expected at all. Some of the changes have been necessary, a part of our survival. There have been situations, and changes, in our life that needed to be dealt with and for a while he couldn't. I had no time to wait for his recovery, I had to step up to the mark and get on with it and that made me hard. The softness he always loved about me was eroded and replaced by stone. I became what I had to be even though I hated it.

Some of the changes though, were not necessary. They were a reaction to how I had changed; they became part of my disguise. I hated what I'd had to become. I resented it, I did what I had to do but that was it. I didn't bother with the nice things anymore because they didn't fit with the new, strong, indestructible, super hard me. I am ashamed to say it but I let myself go.

So that is where I am going to begin. My first steps are to get back to who I was, who I really am. I can still be strong when he needs me to be, but that doesn't stop me being soft too.

He loved the fact that I didn't swear. He hates to hear a woman with a filthy mouth.

He loved that I always wore skirts. He liked me to look feminine.

He liked to see me taking care of myself and always looking my best for him.

He liked me to keep the house clean and warm and welcoming.

So that's what I'm going to start with. I'll expand on them once I've got the hang of this again but for now these are the rules I'm starting with.

1) No swearing, cursing, or muttering obscenities under my breath.

It's not something that I often do, but as I've become more frustrated I've found a few things creeping into my vocabulary that I would rather weren't there. That stops now.

2) I will not live in jeans all the time.

Wherever possible I will wear a skirt, long and floaty, the way he likes. I can't afford to go out and completely revamp my wardrobe so it will have to be a more gradual change than an abrupt one, but I will make an effort to embrace my femininity again and wear skirts at least 3 or 4 times a week.

3) No more being a slob!

From now on I shall start taking care of myself again and look good for him, nails painted, hair styled, decent clothes (all my shabby, slouchy, 'comfy' stuff is already in the bin).

4) Keep House.

He might not be coming home after a long day at work anymore but he still deserves to have a clean and tidy home, with the washing done and decent meals on the table.

OK, so its not much, and yes I know its only what I should have been doing all along, but its a start...

...and I feel happier already.

Setting The Rules -part one

It has been harder than I imagined to create a set of rules for me to stick to. In part because a fairly large family crisis left me exhausted and unable to concentrate on anything beyond the moment, but mostly because the only input was my own. I wonder if he would have struggled as much if I had said 'make me some rules, lay down the law'. Would he have lay awake at night pondering my behaviour? Would he wonder how far he should go? Or would he instantly have known exactly what it is I need to do, or not do?

I've tried to remember how we did it last time. Did we discuss it, or did he just give me a list? Its strange but I really don't know. I think maybe the rules just sort of evolved; small ideas that were expanded on or altered as we learnt what worked for us. I thought it would just be a matter of remembering the old rules and sticking to them now, but I'm not sure that would work. He has changed, yes, but so have I. Our circumstances, our habits, our routines have all changed. I don't think simply recreating the past is the best way forward.

If I'm going to create a whole new set of rules, where do I start?

Do I create a whole list and throw myself wholeheartedly into this, or do I start simple, with things I know I can do? And how do I make sure I'm not just playing games? There is no point to this at all if I set rules that don't challenge me. Is there?

When I first met my husband I had high hopes for my future. I had broken free from an emotionally and psychologically destructive relationship where I lived in fear of not only the violence and the threat of violence, but walked on eggshells, afraid to be myself, afraid to think and feel and breathe. I had no idea how to plan for my future, I had never had a future before, but now the whole world was in front of me and I could do anything! I could do anything I wanted but I was so scared to take those huge steps into that normal world of opportunity that most people took for granted. He helped me to see that I didn't need to take huge, scary steps. Little ones were fine.

'Set your goal,' he said, 'and then set lots of little goals that take you closer to the big one. Before you know it you'll be holding your dreams in your hand and you'll be wondering what your were so worried about.'

He was right back then. It worked. I reached that goal so much faster than I had ever dared imagine.

Hmmmm. O.K. Good advice is good advice. One big goal and lots of little ones it is!

Right, now I know how I'm going to go about this. Now I've just to to fine tune the process and work out what those goals are.