Setting The Rules -part two

I have struggled long and hard with this issue of making rules. I know it is what I need. I know I will feel better for it, but it really has been difficult to sort it out on my own. It didn't feel right doing it without my husband's input, but any attempt to broach the subject hit the usual brick wall.

I've taken my time about it, partly because I want to get it right, but also because I'm a tiny bit scared. I've had my own way for quite some time now and its hard to give that up, even for someone like me who really doesn't like being in charge. It's easy, it takes no effort, and I have gotten very lazy.

If we had been doing this together, it would have been so much easier. There may have been discussion over some things, we may have hammered out the finer points, but ultimately the final say would have been his. That was what I agreed to right at the very start of our relationship. He would always listen, would maybe even go along with what I wanted, but if there was any disagreement then the final say on the matter was his and his alone. That has saved us from so many arguments over the years! Without that backstop, without my rock, I've been flailing about wildly, just adding to my confusion.

Once I'd come to the conclusion that I didn't have to tackle everything at once, it became a little easier.

I took some time to think about the things he always liked about me, the things that made him proud of me, and took a long hard look at myself to see if they still apply.

BOY, WAS THAT PAINFUL!!!

Oh dear! He must be wondering what the hell happened to his wife. I'm wondering what the hell happened to his wife! 

It is very hard to look in the mirror and discover that the woman staring back at you is not who you expected at all. Some of the changes have been necessary, a part of our survival. There have been situations, and changes, in our life that needed to be dealt with and for a while he couldn't. I had no time to wait for his recovery, I had to step up to the mark and get on with it and that made me hard. The softness he always loved about me was eroded and replaced by stone. I became what I had to be even though I hated it.

Some of the changes though, were not necessary. They were a reaction to how I had changed; they became part of my disguise. I hated what I'd had to become. I resented it, I did what I had to do but that was it. I didn't bother with the nice things anymore because they didn't fit with the new, strong, indestructible, super hard me. I am ashamed to say it but I let myself go.

So that is where I am going to begin. My first steps are to get back to who I was, who I really am. I can still be strong when he needs me to be, but that doesn't stop me being soft too.

He loved the fact that I didn't swear. He hates to hear a woman with a filthy mouth.

He loved that I always wore skirts. He liked me to look feminine.

He liked to see me taking care of myself and always looking my best for him.

He liked me to keep the house clean and warm and welcoming.

So that's what I'm going to start with. I'll expand on them once I've got the hang of this again but for now these are the rules I'm starting with.

1) No swearing, cursing, or muttering obscenities under my breath.

It's not something that I often do, but as I've become more frustrated I've found a few things creeping into my vocabulary that I would rather weren't there. That stops now.

2) I will not live in jeans all the time.

Wherever possible I will wear a skirt, long and floaty, the way he likes. I can't afford to go out and completely revamp my wardrobe so it will have to be a more gradual change than an abrupt one, but I will make an effort to embrace my femininity again and wear skirts at least 3 or 4 times a week.

3) No more being a slob!

From now on I shall start taking care of myself again and look good for him, nails painted, hair styled, decent clothes (all my shabby, slouchy, 'comfy' stuff is already in the bin).

4) Keep House.

He might not be coming home after a long day at work anymore but he still deserves to have a clean and tidy home, with the washing done and decent meals on the table.

OK, so its not much, and yes I know its only what I should have been doing all along, but its a start...

...and I feel happier already.