One Step Forward, Ten Steps Back

I think I may have done something silly. Well, not silly perhaps, more reckless.

Despite things ticking along nicely, and seeing tiny improvements, I had to go and force things.

In my defence, I was having a bad day. Actually, quite a few bad days. I was climbing the walls and tearing my hair out and crying myself to sleep night after night. This happens sometimes, and I know from experience that eventually it will pass, but while I'm going through it, it is hell and I really don't cope very well.

It wasn't even really about dd at all, although that was a part of it. DD is not the only aspect of my marriage that seems to be on hold at the moment, and to say I am frustrated and hurt is something of an understatement. Until recently I've been pretty calm, I had a plan and I was sticking to it, taking things slowly, step by step. But this recent bout of tearfulness had got to me and all sorts of thoughts were spinning out of control in my head.

In a moment of madness I emailed him. Told him how I feel. I can't exactly say I poured my heart out, I was too fragile for that, but I came close. I thought it might be a few days before he saw it. I thought I may have a chance to sneakily delete it if I changed my mind, but no. He checked his emails before he came to bed. Not that he said anything of course, I just knew. I could sense it. The tension in the air was palpable.

And I was right. This morning I checked, (I know his password, in fact I set it!) and sure enough he'd seen the email. And I cried again because it was in the 'trash'. I don't know what I expected but for some reason that really hurt. He'd read it and trashed it. No comment, no reply.

But as I've watched him today I think I know why. He's hurting. I can see the pain and confusion in his eyes. And there is nothing I can do. I can't unsend something he's already seen. I have an awful feeling I've set my cause back a long, long way. The damage has been done, his feelings have been hurt, his fragile confidence knocked. And it's all my fault.

A Few More Rules

I've been working on this little project of mine for a while now and, much to my surprise, it seems to be working. There haven't been any major changes, he hasn't stepped back into the role of HOH or even suggested that he might. We haven't had that all important conversation but...

There have been little things, subtle things, tiny changes in his behaviour that make me think we are heading in the right direction.

I started simply with just a few rules and, if I say so myself, I've been pretty good at sticking to them.

No swearing. Check.

Stop wearing jeans every day. Check.

Stop being a slob and pay attention to my appearance. Check.

Keep our home clean and tidy. Check.


The first one was actually pretty easy. I know my language had deteriorated but to be honest it wasn't too bad. Mostly, I thought things rather than said them so it was just a matter of biting my tongue before those thoughts became mutterings. So far so good.

Not wearing jeans was a little harder, I'd become very lazy about my wardrobe. It's so easy to just throw on jeans and a tee-shirt and that bit of extra weight I'm carrying these days meant all the pretty clothes I have don't fit so well. But a good look through my wardrobe and a few small alterations went a long way. And I'd forgotten just how nice it is to feel a long skirt swishing around my legs.

Paying more attention to my hair and make up kind of went hand in hand with the last one. There's nothing like wearing something feminine to make one want to make the effort with everything else. That, and hearing him say how nice I looked for the first time since I can't remember when.

Once I'd got the hang of looking after myself again it was a simple step to care for our home more too. All of a sudden I wanted the kitchen to shine and the laundry be done.

I've had some lovely compliments from him just lately, about the house and about the way I look, and that makes me smile. A lot.

What better inspiration could there be for adding a few more rules?

Soooooo....

Rule number 5

Be more organised. I can be a little ditzy. OK, more than a little. Things get done, but often not until the last minute, which makes me stressed which makes me cranky. I'm going to keep the calender up to date, pay bills on time, return library books before their due date, drop repeat prescriptions into the doctors early enough that we don't run out of our meds.

Rule number 6

Prepare meals in advance. This isn't something that would probably have occurred to me but it's something he's mentioned quite a bit over the last couple of months. And as it's so unusual these days for him to actually ask me to do something it's important I include it. We always used to be fairly relaxed about meals. Our work schedules were chaotic as we both worked shifts so meal times were a last minute affair, fitted in whenever we could. Later as his health deteriorated he often didn't feel like eating, or simply couldn't face certain types of food. I've gotten into the habit of suddenly realising it's getting late and saying 'what do you fancy?' Apparently he doesn't like this. Increasingly over the last few months he's said 'just do something, anything, I don't mind', or 'don't keep asking', or, most recently, 'the cooking's your job. You decide.' YAY! You have no idea how wonderful it was to hear him say something was my job. I've never had to think about menu planning before. This might take a while to get the hang of.

Rule number 7

Limit computer time. He's never come right out and said that he doesn't like that I spend so much time on line but there have been the occasional comments, all said in a 'jokey' manner, that make me think it bothers him. This will probably be the hardest rule to stick to of all. I'm actually very shy and I don't make friends easily. We relocated two years ago but I still don't have any friends locally and because I don't go out to work I can sometimes feel like a bit of a recluse. Talking to on-line friends keeps me sane! I'm reluctant to cut down but this isn't meant to be easy. So, for starters, I'm going to limit my computer time to before he's up (he's a night owl who works in his studio until late so that gives me quite a bit of time if I'm up early enough ;) ) or to when he's also using his lap top or painting. Provided my chores are done first.
If I'm being honest here, that probably won't limit me too much, just as long as I get organised.

Hmmm, these are all linked have you noticed? Organisation seems to be the theme here.

It's time to get my ditzy head on straight.