I think I may have done something silly. Well, not silly perhaps, more reckless.
Despite things ticking along nicely, and seeing tiny improvements, I had to go and force things.
In my defence, I was having a bad day. Actually, quite a few bad days. I was climbing the walls and tearing my hair out and crying myself to sleep night after night. This happens sometimes, and I know from experience that eventually it will pass, but while I'm going through it, it is hell and I really don't cope very well.
It wasn't even really about dd at all, although that was a part of it. DD is not the only aspect of my marriage that seems to be on hold at the moment, and to say I am frustrated and hurt is something of an understatement. Until recently I've been pretty calm, I had a plan and I was sticking to it, taking things slowly, step by step. But this recent bout of tearfulness had got to me and all sorts of thoughts were spinning out of control in my head.
In a moment of madness I emailed him. Told him how I feel. I can't exactly say I poured my heart out, I was too fragile for that, but I came close. I thought it might be a few days before he saw it. I thought I may have a chance to sneakily delete it if I changed my mind, but no. He checked his emails before he came to bed. Not that he said anything of course, I just knew. I could sense it. The tension in the air was palpable.
And I was right. This morning I checked, (I know his password, in fact I set it!) and sure enough he'd seen the email. And I cried again because it was in the 'trash'. I don't know what I expected but for some reason that really hurt. He'd read it and trashed it. No comment, no reply.
But as I've watched him today I think I know why. He's hurting. I can see the pain and confusion in his eyes. And there is nothing I can do. I can't unsend something he's already seen. I have an awful feeling I've set my cause back a long, long way. The damage has been done, his feelings have been hurt, his fragile confidence knocked. And it's all my fault.
Oh I'm so sorry! You are very strong. He won't sit and talk about any of this with you? Will he snuggle quietly and sort of share the pain?
ReplyDeleteHe's a very proud (and stubborn!) man Susie, and he has always liked to 'sort things out' in his own head before he talks about them. In reality of course, that often means he ends up blowing things way out of proportion because he overthinks things. He's put up a wall that I just can't get through. On the surface everything is just plodding along as normal but I know that beneath it all he's tearing himself apart.
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