Here Goes...

It takes two to have a marriage. It takes two to have a good, solid, loving marriage. It certainly takes two to have a good, solid, loving marriage based on traditional values and domestic discipline.

Or does it?

Well, yeah, O.K. I know the answer to that, but I'm getting desperate here, and right now I'm willing to have a go at anything.

We've been married for quite a while now and it was fairly early on in our relationship that he tentatively brought up the subject of spanking. I say tentatively because I had not long come out of an abusive relationship and he wasn't sure how I'd take it, but I'm just an old fashioned kind of girl at heart and well, he was my hero, my protector, my knight in shining armour. So obviously, I said 'Yes, please!'

All was right with my world, I was happier than I ever knew it was possible to be. Then it all came crashing down around me. Well, not 'crashing' exactly, more a slow crumble, but either way the marriage I have today is not the one I signed up for. A variety of health problems and the resulting loss of income sapped just about every shred of confidence my wonderful husband possessed. To cut a very long story short, he no longer feels he has the right to expect me to keep my part of the bargain, as he's not keeping his.

I do understand how he feels, I really do, but it's making me so miserable. I want, I need, my husband to take the lead. And because I can't have that I snap and bicker, I stamp my feet and I'm disrespectful. I didn't realise I was doing that at first and because I didn't see it, and because he didn't stop me, it has become a habit. And so it goes on. Because even when I did realise, I didn't stop. I got worse.

I think I was trying to push him to the limit, hell, to push him beyond the limit. If I was disrespectful enough maybe, just maybe, he'd take me in hand once more, take charge, find himself again. Stupid huh?

Talking gets us nowhere, either he avoids the conversation altogether or it comes back to him not feeling able to continue as we were.

So.... I have a plan.

I am going to become the submissive, respectful wife I once was. If not living by the rules is making me miserable, then perhaps I should set some.

Maybe showing him the respect he deserves will help to rebuild his confidence, maybe it won't. Maybe submitting willingly will remind him how good it was for us, maybe it won't.

But it's worth a try. Can you see my twisted logic here?

I'm going to sit down with myself and think long and hard about the behaviours that were important to him, the 'rules' we lived by. I know it will be hard to stick to by myself but our marriage is worth it, he is worth it.

I'm going solo, for the both of us.