Setting The Rules -part one

It has been harder than I imagined to create a set of rules for me to stick to. In part because a fairly large family crisis left me exhausted and unable to concentrate on anything beyond the moment, but mostly because the only input was my own. I wonder if he would have struggled as much if I had said 'make me some rules, lay down the law'. Would he have lay awake at night pondering my behaviour? Would he wonder how far he should go? Or would he instantly have known exactly what it is I need to do, or not do?

I've tried to remember how we did it last time. Did we discuss it, or did he just give me a list? Its strange but I really don't know. I think maybe the rules just sort of evolved; small ideas that were expanded on or altered as we learnt what worked for us. I thought it would just be a matter of remembering the old rules and sticking to them now, but I'm not sure that would work. He has changed, yes, but so have I. Our circumstances, our habits, our routines have all changed. I don't think simply recreating the past is the best way forward.

If I'm going to create a whole new set of rules, where do I start?

Do I create a whole list and throw myself wholeheartedly into this, or do I start simple, with things I know I can do? And how do I make sure I'm not just playing games? There is no point to this at all if I set rules that don't challenge me. Is there?

When I first met my husband I had high hopes for my future. I had broken free from an emotionally and psychologically destructive relationship where I lived in fear of not only the violence and the threat of violence, but walked on eggshells, afraid to be myself, afraid to think and feel and breathe. I had no idea how to plan for my future, I had never had a future before, but now the whole world was in front of me and I could do anything! I could do anything I wanted but I was so scared to take those huge steps into that normal world of opportunity that most people took for granted. He helped me to see that I didn't need to take huge, scary steps. Little ones were fine.

'Set your goal,' he said, 'and then set lots of little goals that take you closer to the big one. Before you know it you'll be holding your dreams in your hand and you'll be wondering what your were so worried about.'

He was right back then. It worked. I reached that goal so much faster than I had ever dared imagine.

Hmmmm. O.K. Good advice is good advice. One big goal and lots of little ones it is!

Right, now I know how I'm going to go about this. Now I've just to to fine tune the process and work out what those goals are.

Here Goes...

It takes two to have a marriage. It takes two to have a good, solid, loving marriage. It certainly takes two to have a good, solid, loving marriage based on traditional values and domestic discipline.

Or does it?

Well, yeah, O.K. I know the answer to that, but I'm getting desperate here, and right now I'm willing to have a go at anything.

We've been married for quite a while now and it was fairly early on in our relationship that he tentatively brought up the subject of spanking. I say tentatively because I had not long come out of an abusive relationship and he wasn't sure how I'd take it, but I'm just an old fashioned kind of girl at heart and well, he was my hero, my protector, my knight in shining armour. So obviously, I said 'Yes, please!'

All was right with my world, I was happier than I ever knew it was possible to be. Then it all came crashing down around me. Well, not 'crashing' exactly, more a slow crumble, but either way the marriage I have today is not the one I signed up for. A variety of health problems and the resulting loss of income sapped just about every shred of confidence my wonderful husband possessed. To cut a very long story short, he no longer feels he has the right to expect me to keep my part of the bargain, as he's not keeping his.

I do understand how he feels, I really do, but it's making me so miserable. I want, I need, my husband to take the lead. And because I can't have that I snap and bicker, I stamp my feet and I'm disrespectful. I didn't realise I was doing that at first and because I didn't see it, and because he didn't stop me, it has become a habit. And so it goes on. Because even when I did realise, I didn't stop. I got worse.

I think I was trying to push him to the limit, hell, to push him beyond the limit. If I was disrespectful enough maybe, just maybe, he'd take me in hand once more, take charge, find himself again. Stupid huh?

Talking gets us nowhere, either he avoids the conversation altogether or it comes back to him not feeling able to continue as we were.

So.... I have a plan.

I am going to become the submissive, respectful wife I once was. If not living by the rules is making me miserable, then perhaps I should set some.

Maybe showing him the respect he deserves will help to rebuild his confidence, maybe it won't. Maybe submitting willingly will remind him how good it was for us, maybe it won't.

But it's worth a try. Can you see my twisted logic here?

I'm going to sit down with myself and think long and hard about the behaviours that were important to him, the 'rules' we lived by. I know it will be hard to stick to by myself but our marriage is worth it, he is worth it.

I'm going solo, for the both of us.