Love Letters

I wrote my husband a letter last week. I don't know what came over me but I certainly had the devil in me ;) It was a long letter, a romantic letter, a steamy letter- and slipped all innocently in the middle were several heartfelt pages about why I love Dd so much.

He hasn't read it yet, at least not all of it. At first he seemed quite eager, putting aside his usual novel and reading a few pages each night when he came to bed (yes, it really was a very long letter) but after a couple of days his interest has begun to wane. I'm not sure at the moment if that is because he reached sections of it that were a bit close to the bone, a bit too raw for him to deal with at the moment, or if it simply is the exhaustion that has overwhelmed him lately getting the better of him and he just can't keep his eyes open long enough. Naturally, my insecurity is leaning toward the first option.

It made me feel good to write it though. It let me focus on the good things about our marriage, and some wonderful memories, instead of solely on what I miss. It gave me hope that one day things will get better because intensity such as we shared is not something that is just abruptly turned off. Not without a damn good reason anyway. With hope, and faith, and hard work from us both, I have to believe that reason will fade. Eventually.

He hasn't got to the important part yet. He's yet to read about how Dd makes me feel and why it is so important to me. I think it may be quite a revelation to him; it certainly was to me.

I opened up on paper in a way I never can when I try to talk to him about it. When we talk I sense his frustration and tension and I hold back, or else he tries to change the subject and I get upset. By pouring it all out onto the page it allowed me to really examine how I felt in a calm way, to understand what it is about me that makes me feel complete when I lay across his knee, to discover that the feeling of vulnerability actually makes me feel very safe and loved, more so than I ever before realised, to remember that being sent to stand in the corner brought about an overwhelming feeling of peace.

We made love for the first time last night in almost two years. He might not have finished reading the letter yet but it's certainly having an effect!