I have noticed, as I read my way through so many blogs, that many of those living happily with DD have relationships where the HOH works away. Despite the emotional pain this obviously causes, and the upheaval that his leaving and returning causes in routines, it seems to add a different dimension to the relationship. Every partnership is different, obviously, we all embrace dd in different ways- and rightly so- but it got me thinking. Is separation a necessary part of making the dynamic work?
I'm lucky that my husband and I have never had to experience one of us going away. We do things, go places, together and always have. Neither one of us has had the kind of job that requires travelling of any kind. We have always taken pleasure in each others company and would rather be together than with friends. In fact when a family member spoke recently about 'having to get away from X for a few hours' we both thought that was desperately sad. They had been on holiday together for only two days and despite loving each other dearly they were driving each other crazy. They needed time apart, needed space away from each other. To them that was perfectly normal, but to us it seemed odd, unnatural. We have never been one of those couples that need space. We have always loved spending every possible moment together. Our family jokes that we are joined at the hip.
And yet there was a separation, although we never really saw it that way. For many years my husband worked nights. I had never known it any other way and although those nights were often desperately long they were tempered with the little notes we left each other, or the letters tucked away to find at an unexpected moment, and the phone calls -long phone calls into the wee small hours- and the coming of the dawn. Oh how I loved the gentle softening of the sky, the first rays of light creeping down a quiet street and tapping at my window. I instinctively knew that dawn was coming, rousing from my slumber in time to see the darkness chased from my room, and I loved that time. It was my time, a time filled with hope and longing as I lay cosy in my bed listening for the sound of his key in the door.
Later, as financial pressures forced longer and longer working hours for us both, our time together was reduced further still and sometimes all we could do was meet for breakfast in some out of the way cafe as I made my way to work and he headed home to sleep. How we treasured those times together. We clung to every moment, saving up the memories of a smile or a touch to enjoy later. We were often apart and yet we were so close. We lived for our delicious time together and made every second of it count.
It was in this environment that our dynamic flourished. It was in those treasured moments that dd became so important. It helped to keep us on track, stopped us wasting our precious time on those little gripes and niggles that will surface in any marriage from time to time. It kept us focused on US instead of problems and bills and the outside world and kept us from allowing the mundane to overcome us.
I worked hard to please him, just as he did for me. He frequently reminded me, across his knee, the importance of staying focused on the two of us, of trusting his decisions and treating him with respect. We both knew these things were all the more important because we were so often apart. Neither one of us wanted to waste our precious time together. Looking back I can only think of one occasion where he truly felt the need to punish me (and yes, I thoroughly deserved it), the rest of the time we spanked for fun, and as reminders of what was important to us. That was enough to keep us both on the same page as far as our marriage was concerned. I drew comfort, and pleasure, from knowing that if I overstepped the line he would not hold back, was man enough to to step up and do what needed to be done. He drew comfort from knowing my respect for him was such that a real punishment was rarely necessary. It kept us strong.
We no longer have that sense of separation that made us cherish our time together. Firstly a change of shifts to days meant our nights were always spent together and then a massive change in our circumstances saw us together 24/7. At first it seemed like true luxury to be together all the time, to slip at night beneath the sheets and feel his warmth beside me. It still does, but... now I wonder if that constant togetherness , just as much as his health, was responsible for all the changes?
Now we have the luxury of time do we no longer feel the need to make our time together count?
Now we always sleep together have we lost that sense of longing?
Now I am always here does he no longer feel the need to remind me of my place?
Now he is always here has he forgotten his?
It all makes sense, but I hope I'm wrong as I can't see our circumstances changing anytime soon, and rarely being at home together was no way to live anyway, but... *sigh* things were so much better then.
Later, as financial pressures forced longer and longer working hours for us both, our time together was reduced further still and sometimes all we could do was meet for breakfast in some out of the way cafe as I made my way to work and he headed home to sleep. How we treasured those times together. We clung to every moment, saving up the memories of a smile or a touch to enjoy later. We were often apart and yet we were so close. We lived for our delicious time together and made every second of it count.
It was in this environment that our dynamic flourished. It was in those treasured moments that dd became so important. It helped to keep us on track, stopped us wasting our precious time on those little gripes and niggles that will surface in any marriage from time to time. It kept us focused on US instead of problems and bills and the outside world and kept us from allowing the mundane to overcome us.
I worked hard to please him, just as he did for me. He frequently reminded me, across his knee, the importance of staying focused on the two of us, of trusting his decisions and treating him with respect. We both knew these things were all the more important because we were so often apart. Neither one of us wanted to waste our precious time together. Looking back I can only think of one occasion where he truly felt the need to punish me (and yes, I thoroughly deserved it), the rest of the time we spanked for fun, and as reminders of what was important to us. That was enough to keep us both on the same page as far as our marriage was concerned. I drew comfort, and pleasure, from knowing that if I overstepped the line he would not hold back, was man enough to to step up and do what needed to be done. He drew comfort from knowing my respect for him was such that a real punishment was rarely necessary. It kept us strong.
We no longer have that sense of separation that made us cherish our time together. Firstly a change of shifts to days meant our nights were always spent together and then a massive change in our circumstances saw us together 24/7. At first it seemed like true luxury to be together all the time, to slip at night beneath the sheets and feel his warmth beside me. It still does, but... now I wonder if that constant togetherness , just as much as his health, was responsible for all the changes?
Now we have the luxury of time do we no longer feel the need to make our time together count?
Now we always sleep together have we lost that sense of longing?
Now I am always here does he no longer feel the need to remind me of my place?
Now he is always here has he forgotten his?
It all makes sense, but I hope I'm wrong as I can't see our circumstances changing anytime soon, and rarely being at home together was no way to live anyway, but... *sigh* things were so much better then.
